Remorse
by DobbyLovesSocks
Summary: There was nothing I could do. After all he had done for me, everything he had risked, this is how I paid him back. I died.


**A./N.- Written for Fire the Cannon's October, Sirius Black competition.**** I have no idea what it's like to be dead, by the way...**

**Disclaimer- There isn't one! I am J.K. Rowling! Nahh just kidding. This all belongs to her; even a quote or two. I _wish _I could write like that...  
**

_There was nothing I could do. After all he had done for me, everything he had risked, this is how I paid him back. I died._

* * *

"No," he whispered. "_No._" But he knew that desperate words of hope were pointless: He was dead. Sirius let out a strangled gasp, hundreds of emotions fusing into a furious mass of misery. Tears clouded his eyes, and grief contorted his once handsome face. There were so many cruel, selfish things he had never apologized for, so many caring, personal words he would never have the chance to say.

As he gazed at Harry now from above, he had no words for the remorse he felt. It was an agonizing, torturous feeling to see one whom you love in such anguish, and worse to know you were the one who had caused it. You were the one who had caused it, and you had no chance to fix it. Sirius struggled with himself for a minute, thinking of everything he had ever done wrong, everything he had never had the chance to do or say. Breathing deeply, he looked down upon Harry who was now with Dumbledore, bellowing at him and hurling delicate looking objects across the room. And- despite the somber mood and grave situation they were all in, Sirius fought the urge to laugh. Although disgusted with himself for feeling this way, Sirius couldn't help but grin at his godson's passion and lack of self restraint. However, all traces of a smile faded as Sirius listened to the conversation between the two men at Hogwarts. KREACHER! The little, good-for-nothing scumbag! Despite the anger threatening to overcome him, Sirius felt his eyes stinging with tears.

_"Like the fact that the person Sirius cared most about in the world was you. Like the fact that you were coming to regard Sirius as a mixture of father and brother."_

Sirius listened to Dumbledore's gentle words as Harry's eyes filled with tears threatening to spill. A powerful rush of emotion suddenly washed over Sirius, a feeling he had never encountered before. What with a family consisting of a nasty, vain mother, an equally self-important father, and a brother gullible enough to allow himself to be raised the same, Sirius had never felt love for anyone, until Hogwarts. He made three of the best friends anyone could have (except for Wormtail, the bloody traitor), and thought that he could continue through life with the brothers he never had. But fate was determined to never let Sirius Black have an easy life; not ten years later, on a cool autumn evening, it had happened.

_"Come quickly. It's Lily and James."_

_Sirius looked in horror at the silvery ghost of a phoenix, speaking in the voice of Albus Dumbledore. What could have happened? He grabbed his flying motorbike and jumped on, terrified. He raced through the night sky, unaware of the cold wind biting at his exposed skin. Minutes later, he leaped off of the bike, bolting toward the house. Only at the sight of the angry ruins did he stop to think what could be wrong._

_"Sirius." The quiet voice of Albus Dumbledore cut through the silence like a knife._

_"Are they...?" Sirius' voice caught in his throat, unsure of whether he wanted to hear the answer._

_"The boy, Harry, survives," he answered softly. "Hagrid will be taking him to his aunt and uncle's house by morning, per my request. I really must be going now." As Dumbledore turned on his heel and disappeared, Sirius could of sworn he saw a tear trickling down the old man's face.  
_

_"Hagrid," he said hoarsely, still in shock. "The boy- Harry- I'm his godfather. I can raise him, care for him..." He didn't make an effort to keep the desperateness out of his voice. Hagrid looked down at him through his beard, almost pityingly._

_"Sorry, Sirius, but I got ter bring 'im to 'is aunt and uncle's. Dumbledore told me ter take 'im to 'is aunt an' uncle's house, and I 'spect he has 'is reasons. 'E always does, doesn't 'e?" Hagrid made a brave attempt at a smile, but ended up looking as though he had a nasty toothache. "Lily an' James Potter," he said quietly. "Never woulda guessed it..."  
_

_"Hagrid, how did Harry survive? Did Voldemort-" Hagrid flinched. "just leave him alone once he was finished with Lily and James?" Sirius half expected himself to burst into tears, but his eyes remained oddly dry, as if the shock and horror had blasted all of the tears out of him.  
_

_"Ah, wish I knew." Hagrid replied, shaking his head wonderingly. "You-Know-Who tried to kill 'im, but people are sayin' that the spell bounced offa Harry, and hit You-Know-Who instead." Sirius gasped, hardly daring to believe it.  
_

_"You mean- he's gone? Forever?"  
_

_"I dunno, Sirius. That's what people are sayin', but I say it's a load o' dragon dung. He'll be back, mark my words. Now," he continued, the hesitant breeziness back in his voice. "I better get goin' if I want ter get 'im there by mornin'." Sirius hesitated for a moment._

_"You're sure I can't take him myself?" Hagrid shook his head sadly._

_"Off ter live with the Muggles. Nuthin we can do 'bout it now."  
_

_"Hagrid, take my motorbike," Sirius said suddenly. "It'll get you there faster... I won't need it anymore." He attempted a weak smile, but before Hagrid could say a word, he turned on his heel and disapparated, unaware that he would never see this house again.  
_

The first glistening tear began gently gliding down his cheek, with no attempt to stop it. The flow only strengthened as he heard Harry continue screaming at Dumbledore. "SO SIRIUS DESERVED WHAT HE GOT, DID HE?" he bellowed. Sirius shook his head wordlessly; Dumbledore had said nothing of the sort, which he was quick to assure Harry. But underneath the layers of pain, anger, amusement, sadness, and shock, lay one emotion, ten times stronger than any of the others, struggling to take over. Guilt.

_There was nothing I could do. After all he had done for me, everything he had risked, this is how I paid him back. I died._


End file.
